I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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