defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
