I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
