she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
