dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
