Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
