I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
