I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
