He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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