My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
