It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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