she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
