I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
