If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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