you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
