The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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