Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
