I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
