If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
