this beer tastes like vomit already
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
