lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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