and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
