I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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