He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
