I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Randomize
