I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
