How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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