i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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