She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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