The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
