Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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