Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
