We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
