So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt