He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
