Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
