I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
