Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
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BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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