I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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