Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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