R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
