Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
