I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
