pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
