Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
