Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
