I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
