our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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