All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
