just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
