I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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