Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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