put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
