I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We are all done wearing pants today
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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