I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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