9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
