Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This is the high leading the old right now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
