I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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