im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
