I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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