Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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